Divergent Conversions – Part I

There are billions of people who’ve had spiritual encounters that caused them to reevaluate their life choices; some eventually give their life to Christ. We’re no different. Jerry has been blogging his conversion story which is fascinating. But there’s a story behind the scenes – my conversion and how it affected our marriage and family life.

I felt it was important to share because our conversions were not parallel. For several years my journey with Jesus was far from an inspirational, uplifting, and joyful experience.

Jerry and I are a Catholic couple who were each raised by Catholic parents, given a Christian upbringing, attended parochial schools but were beguiled by the lure of all that glitters. Looking back, glitter was actually ashen seduction.

We spent several years, before and after marriage, away from the Church or anything remotely religious. Speaking for myself – my lifestyle involved drinking, drugs, and sex – I turned from God out of shame. Anything that was remotely religious caused me great anxiety… not because I thought religion was bad but because, in a small corner of my heart, I knew the truth and it hurt. The solution was to build a wall around my heart, not expose myself to anything remotely good and holy, and continue to numb my conscience with a ‘good time’.

I will always wonder why I was saved and I don’t mean in an evangelical way. Many of my party friends from that time have been arrested and are in prison, died of overdose, or committed suicide. In actuality, it was my mom & dad who prayed and fasted for me. I’m forever grateful that they didn’t give up on me.

Slowly, the lure of party life abated, those friends faded away, and life began to slow down. That’s when God began to tear down the wall around my heart. As He removed each stone, He allowed the light to pour in and replace the darkness that I hadn’t realized I was feeding upon.

It started slowly. As each friend left there was a momentary emptiness that God allowed me to experience – for which I am now grateful. Finally, He completely captivated my entire being and I experienced real love for the first time. The path I had been walking was exhausting, now I could rest.

God couldn’t do all the work. I had to cooperate.

Eventually I returned to church, attended Sunday Mass, worked for our parish, and homeschooled our children. The conversion was snowballing. Sadly, I was doing it on my own.

All decisions after my conversion were made without Jerry. He hadn’t yet joined me on the path to God. Basically, his philosophy was, “Do whatever you want – I won’t stop you but I won’t be involved either.” Sounds harsher than reality, but it’s the only way I can squish 15 years into one sentence.

There were times when Jerry would attend Mass with us but it was rare. He was working at least 6 days a week and getting as much overtime as he could. When he had Sunday off I would ask him if he would go to Mass with us. His comment every time was, “I work 6 days a week. Sunday is my day.”

It became such a frustration that I stopped asking him to go. We both got tired of my nagging. 🙄

Once again, for whatever reason, God allowed me to be a single parent in the pew. And while Jerry was busy with overtime and working on the house, God was slowly drawing me in.

For my birthday in April of ’97, my parents gifted me a weekend with them to Franciscan University of Steubenville for the Defending the Faith Conference (IYKYK). It was there that the Lord granted so many consolations.

The vibrant, uplifting soulful music, the young people so full of joy, young men praying the rosary, lines and lines for confession, the Gospel preached and Catholic teachings presented in powerful and inspirational ways that I had never ever heard from priests back home. It was almost overwhelming – love surrounded & permeated everything.

At one point during the conference my introverted and overly stimulated soul needed to quietly ditch the regularly scheduled program for some silence. If you’ve been to Franciscan you’ll know the area that I’m referring to – the Portiuncula. It’s a little chapel in the woods where students can pray in front of the Eucharist. It was packed but I was still able to visit our Lord for a few moments.

That morning I had hit up the gift shop and purchased a little book by Fr. Michael Scanlan on the rosary. After leaving the Port (as the kids call it), I settled in the grass with the intention of praying the rosary. But the warmth of the sun on my face, the summer breeze, and the solemn stillness left me with a peace that I had never felt before. It was like God was saying, “put away your beads and sit with me”.

And so I did.

Grace washed over me, tears flowed freely, my breath taken away – the Holy Spirit flooded my entire being. I just sat and allowed God to do His work within me. There are no words… even what I’ve written falls so short of the experience. Absolutely sublime.

After catching my breath another of my senses was flooded; although, at the time I didn’t understand the significance. Still clutching my rosary, an overwhelming scent of roses filled the area. It was so beautiful and strong; but I was bewildered as there weren’t any rose bushes nearby. I ventured around the area, but I didn’t see anything that would have produced such a powerful fragrance. It was so odd that I asked a group of summer students who were sitting in the area if there were roses nearby. They giggled and looked at each other as if they all shared a wonderful secret. They indicated there were no such flowers in the area. Weirdly, they suggested I was graced with a holy odor, or the odor of sanctity – which I totally never heard of. They also said I wasn’t the first to have this experience and suggested that instead of searching the source I simply bask in the consolation. Half my age, those students had a spiritual maturity that I didn’t understand but now had a burning desire for.

Aside from the speakers and priests who would offer the sacraments, a key member of the conference team is the worship leader. Since 1998 I have attended seven or eight conferences and I always look forward to the music. It’s a mix of praise & worship with beautiful hymns that everyone knows. And, if a song is new to someone, it’s not a problem because the words are projected on the front screens. This was all so foreign to me. But what I found most awe inspiring was that EVERYONE sang and with passion and great joy.

During a break I headed back to the bookstore and purchased a CD that included all the songs we sang that weekend. I played it over and over on the way home. My heart was on fire, my spirit ablaze. Uncontainable joy!

I couldn’t wait to see Jerry and share everything with him.As soon as I walked in the door my heart exploded and I began to describe the weekend.

Jerry listened for a few minutes then asked, “What’s for supper?”

Watch for Part II…
Until then, please pray for me as I pray for you!