Have you ever read something over and over to the point where you can pretty much recite it from memory?
The Pledge of Allegiance, The Serenity Prayer, any Taylor Swift song…
A few days ago I was praying with the Gospel, Mark 6:45-52. Jesus had just performed the miracle of the loaves and fishes then sent the apostles into a boat to meet Him on the shores of Bethsaida. He would join them later, after He went up the mountain to pray. It was there that a storm came up which caused trouble for the boat. And probably fear for their lives.
Jesus came down from the mountain, walked across the water and got into the boat with the 12. He spoke, “It is I. Do not be afraid. ” Many of them had seen Jesus on the water and thought He was ghost. When He entered the boat the winds died down.
It is the last line in this reading that I do not remember, “On the contrary, their hearts were hardened.” The author, Mark, said that they didn’t understand the miracle of the loaves & fishes that they just witnessed. Then states:
Their hearts were hardened.
Today’s we would say, “hardened-hearts”, which makes me think of experiences like being dumped by a boyfriend, a couple struggling with infertility, a child who has been abused. The list goes on. We harden our hearts so we don’t feel the pain; we keep people at a distance so we don’t fall into the trap of being let down. We don’t want to get hurt.
But in this Gospel account; the phrase stumped me. The explanation for the apostles “hardened-hearts” was their difficulty understanding the miraculous feeding of the 5000. They totally missed the point because they were still hoping for a political movement, Jesus would become an earthly king or ruler. And, they were too busy with logistics to really see what was going on. They were trying to understand the miracle through worldly and not spiritual eyes.
Knowing that the Gospels are written for all ages I knew God was telling my heart to ponder… to reflect on what this meant for my own life. I was confused, so I went where one should go to research the Word of God. I Googled it.
Google’s AI confirmed that indeed I am meant to take this to prayer:
A hardened heart is a state of being emotionally closed off, lacking compassion, empathy, and tenderness, often due to pain, repeated choices to sin, or self-protection, making one unresponsive to love, mercy, or spiritual guidance, appearing as emotional flatness, sarcasm, or a robotic feeling, but can be healed by seeking God, practicing vulnerability, and allowing transformation.
google ai
[🤯 The algorithm has been studying my prayer journals.🧐]
This entire Google paragraph summarizes the healing I’ve been working through with my spiritual director & therapist over the past 5 or 6 years. Depression and anxiety not only add another layer but synthesize it all. I still find myself masking for self-protection; using sarcasm as a mechanism to keep people at arms length. There are very few people I trust enough to be vulnerable with. When I find them (and you know who you are) I usually over-share (sorry guys).
Although I’m not a fan of making New Year’s Resolution, my goal for 2026 and beyond is to see Christ in all things, events, circumstances, people, etc., and I can’t do that through a secular lens… especially when they’re so cloudy with brokenness, sin, the lack of a strong relationship with Jesus. It will be easier to see Jesus and heal those hidden wounds through the eyes of the heart. “Cor ad cor loquitur”, meaning “Heart speaks to heart”, the motto of Cardinal St. John Henry Newman.
🤞🏻I think I have a game plan.:
- Set intentional time aside to gain greater intimacy with Christ
- Open myself to new human connections
- Practice humility by accepting that I am a daughter of the King
- Worship the Creator not the creature.
Hand hopefully, with God’s grace, the hardened parts of my heart will melt away. The loaves & fishes that God places in my life are all around. Healing brings clarity to name them, to appreciate them for the miracle they are.
In the end I believe the Holy Spirit is letting me know not to quit, to persevere in the healing process… even when the enemy tells me I’m done. Only Jesus has the right to say, “It is finished.”
Pray for me as I pray for you.
