Day 2
From the fear that I am unlovable…
Deliver me, Jesus.
Today’s reflection on this second petition should be a no-brainer; especially after yesterday. Why should I fear that I’m unlovable, especially when the first petition rectifies the belief that I have to earn God’s love. Ergo, I’m loved. I’m loved by Love Itself!
But of course, it’s never that easy. If it was, we wouldn’t need to pray the Litany of Trust. Being human, a fallen one at that, I seem to forget all of the petitions overnight.
Sister Faustina Maria Pia sums it up for me when she says:
To claim that I am unlovable starts with the refusal to accept myself, in my humanity. My humanity reminds me that I am not God
There’s so much there that needs to be unpacked. I’m going to address the quote in reverse.
I am not God.
That’s pretty obvious based on the poor (and dangerous) choices I’ve made in the past, by the sins I tend to confess over and over, and the temptations that continue to haunt me even though I thought they were conquered.
While I would never, ever claim to be God, my actions might speak otherwise.
Truth be told…
- I care what others think.
- I am competitive and like to do the best, no, be the best at whatever it is I’m working on.
- I am often jealous and envious of others who seem to have better opportunities, more friends, and are more respected.
- I sometimes think my way is better than God’s. Just when I’m focused on heading in one direction, He closes the door. Then annoyance set in. A dear friend recently said, “Isn’t it awesome that God closed a door He didn’t want you to walk through?” (Awesome wouldn’t be the word I’d use.)
Back to Sister’s quote:
I have to accept my humanity .
This truly is the real struggle. I still reel from the low self-esteem. Believing that I am unlovable, ugly, and unwanted because I was told in 5th grade that I was fat. Ridiculous. But, there is a lot of pressure when the whole world seems to live for likes and follows. At 57, I will never look like the young girls posting complicated TikTok dances, fabulous fashion Reels, or GRWM videos.
Goodness, gravity has not been kind to this bod, there isn’t anybody out there who wants to watch me put on my face, and I just broke my wrist falling out of bed.🙄 The hubby labelled me a “fall risk”. He would know, he’s a deacon at a nursing home.
And, there’s the blessing… I have a hubby that loves me no matter how clumsy, God has gifted me with amazing friends who give ‘awesome’ advice, and if I wasn’t a broken human being, I would have no need for Jesus Christ, my Savior & King.
It is in Him that I place my trust. Trust that He will love me no matter how far I stray, regardless of my stupid decisions, or the countless times I’ve confessed a particular sin.
I AM lovable as are you YOU!
Pray for me as I pray for you
The refusal to accept myself and my humanity…hit me square in the face. But where did it come from? I could list many things but the main one was being told I wasn’t like my brother. Nope. Never was and never will be but it haunts me to this day. I am not a glam girl or for that matter a girly girl. I am just try to do me to the best of my ability and for God’s glory. Do I succeed. Nope again. But with the grace of God and the others in my life I pray for the trust to be okay with who God made me to be.