Day 1

From the belief that I have to earn Your love…

Deliver me, Jesus.

Honestly, every time I read this petition the Lord takes me deeper to a more profound understanding.

The first time I prayed the Litany of Trust I felt as if this line was such a non-issue.

Of course we don’t, we can’t, earn God’s love. God created us because He loves us. There is nothing we can do that can cause us to lose His love. We are never unloved by God.

But upon a deeper reflection, I realize that, subconsciously, I do try to earn his love. I’m sure this plays out differently for each and every one of us. But, for me, it’s based upon false beliefs that I grew up with.

We live in a society that places great value on being productive:

• The wife who is told she can have it all – juggle the kids, keep a tidy home, and a have career.
• Or, the student who believes he can only be successful with a high GPA and receive a full scholarship to an ivy league school.
• For myself, it is the need to prove that I am valuable, that I’m worthy, that I’m necessary, and needed. This thinking caused unbelievable burnout & stress, which eventually led to dropping out of ministry for several years.

As the author of the book, “Jesus I Trust in You: A 30-day Personal Retreat with the Litany of Trust”, Sr. Faustina Maria Pia writes, “How often we project onto God our perceptions of what others have shown us. When others are disappointed with us, we can equate it with thinking that God is disappointed too. Or, if I don’t like myself, how can God like me?

“We often think that He’ll only love us when we get over the bad habit, make more time for family, let go of that grudge, etc. Yet this is nowhere in the gospel.

“When I catch myself thinking this way, I have to pause and ask myself: how did I become the judge of what God loves? How could I determine the threshold of what moves His heart?

Sister asks the hard questions! So similar to St. Paul who says,

For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been His counselor?

Romans 11:34

It’s pride, of course, that drives me to prove my worth, my value, my goodness.

So, I take a step back, reflect, and remember that there is nothing I can ‘do’ except for ‘be’ the daughter that God created me to be.

He created me in His image. That I am beautiful in His eyes is the only thing that matters. My value in the eyes of man sullied in sin means nothing.

Easily said in a blog post.

But, how do I live this in reality? How can I put away the pride & forget about what people think of me? 

God doesn’t give out gold stars, diplomas, pay raises, trophies. So how do I know, for a fact, that God approves of me, that He loves me, and that this love is unconditional?

In her book, Sister quotes Pope Benedict XVI:

Man comes in the profoundest sense to himself not through what he does but through what he accepts… And one cannot become wholly man in any other way than by being loved, by letting oneself be loved.

This is where the trust comes into play.

A few years ago while I was in prayer, an image of a little girl, no shoes, a rip in her soiled dress, and tear stained face was placed before me. Somehow I understood this little girl to be me.

She brought tears to my eyes. I remember telling Jesus that I just wanted to put her to bed.

Then, a voice spoke clearly in my heart, pure and loving; I knew it was God the Father. He said, “No, I created her, she is beautiful, I love her so much and I will use her as she is because she is perfect.”

When I begin to question my value, I think about that little girl with the tear stained face and remember I am loved.

Pray for me as I pray for you!

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